Archives for category: life

Yes Zoé turned One, that was on May 27nd.

And today, One year ago, on June 17nd, I had sent in our file to the social worker to be transmitted to Ethiopia.
And today, This year, we had a meeting with the few families we met in Ethiopia who had also adopted their babies last December.

What a long way we have come. Zoé brings sooo much Joy to us, to our families. We have changed much since we know her and she has changed soo much since we first met her in the orphanage. She has caught up the 50 percentile growth curve on weight and length and her head circumference is now above the 50 percentile. She walks well, and learns new tricks everyday sometimes even one in the morning and a newer one by the evening.

She is sociable and at the same time very attached to us. She is easy to take out since she eats and falls asleep in “unfamiliar” places. I believe she feels secure and that makes me happy.

Today, I came back from that meeting with more confidence; I must do something right for her to bloom. Sometime, most of the time actually, parenting is really strange in that you almost never have a feedback on what you do. Any other activity you do regularly like e.g. a job or sport … you have systems of evaluation, competition or approvals in which you get feedback, but in parenting, you just do your thing, trial and error, reading one book and being convinced by one way of “doing it” just to be completely confused again because in another book you read the exact opposite. ….

Today, I came back from that meeting, with such a desire to welcome another baby in our family. Maybe because, seeing all the faces we met there in Ethiopia brought back the beautiful and happy memories of when we adopted Zoé. I would love to experience this again. Zoé does make me complete and happy and in my eyes, she is perfect and at the same time, when I put away the clothes that she outgrew, I cannot imagine that “this was it”. That I will not have another little baby, it feels like it was just too short, especially compared to the years and years of trying to build a family.

On the other hand, we heard that our social worker does not take on new files and that Ethiopia has really slowed down in processing adoption files. … I feel truly blessed to have become Zoé’s mum, blessed that for once, for her, we did the right thing at the right time, and hope that all those desiring a child so intensely will know the same Joy.

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World’s Most beautiful sentence–

but, I am with you…”

and

World’s most painful sentence–

I am with you, but…”

Anonymous

confession 1) Part of the reason I wanted to be pregnant, was because I was convinced that it would make me feel special.

Blush. I feel stupid.

But yes, it is true. Along my TTC journey, I wondered many times, why I want to raise kids ? I do still not have concrete words to stick on the reasons that somehow feel “obvious” to me. to my DH. to us. I hope that raising our daughter together, will give us many moments that will confirm the desire of raising kids we both share (most probably also the opposite will be true like “what have we put ourselves into”!?)

Along my “unsuccessful” TTC journey, I also wondered many times, and this was a more lonely and personal soul search, why I wanted to be pregnant ? And why did I possibly want it to such an extend, that, like many fellow IFers/woman TTCing, I endured all these awful procedures, leading me into far heavier and more medicated procedures than I ever thought I would even consider.

Granted, my motifs were many-fold. It had to do with the miracle of carrying life, which I still believe, without regret at not experiencing it, because I truly feel I experience another kind of miracle, is amazing/awesome/ …
Then, there was also something more abstract, maybe “symbolic”: what a “pregnant woman” embodied to me. I was most probably biased and blinded but, a pregnant lady always (!) walked straight with pride over her protruding belly, was always self-confident, she always enjoyed the special attention of her family and friends, was always respected for the life she was carrying, was always beautiful, …. Actually all characteristics,  I do not incarnate at all in my normal non-pregnant life, and I probably desperately sought after (and still do, like most of us … ?). So I guess, deep down, I was hoping that by being pregnant I would, once in my life, feel like that beautiful, shiny, self-confident, radiating …. woman Godess (me).

The “funny” thing is, that even if I heard from friends and family about the reality and the difficulties/discomforts/hardship of being pregnant, even if I understood it on a rational level, I just stubbornly continued to believe that all I wanted was to be “that pregnant heroin, just for 9 months”.

It is only later on my TTC journey, by processing the pain and losses on the journey, that I realised that I did not need that “pregnant state” to be the “heroine of my own life”. Actually, that I could potentially be a more mature mother by “gaining my own kudos” instead of “expecting to gain kudos”, indirectly, through carrying my child. I guess it is probably good for a child to feel “s/he is her/his “parents’ pride”, but I also understood, that we have to work on gaining our “own” pride.  So, now I came to aspire for another (unrealizable?) ideal: To give my children all their freedom to do with their life what they want, and not to project my own, unfulfilled dreams on them.
But you know what happened ?

And here you read it : confession 2) In less than 24 hours after the referral of our baby girl, I realised that I finally got a chance at entering “grant-parentship” and I also realised that if my girl ever be pregnant, I got to be close to her and experience pregnancy through her. So there went my high ideals out of the window, A-Gain !

Blush again. I feel stupid again. You-can-now-throw-rotten-tomatoes-at-me !

But yes. It is true. Truly human. And for now, in a humbly human way, I confess that my parents and friends do make me feel special by all their excitement about our baby girl and I am feeling blessed at being entrusted the miracle of her Life and I realise I am now standing in a place from where birth mum, adoptive mum, planned pregnant, unplanned pregnant, surro pregnant, pregnant after ART, … are all standing equally, with their very own strengths and limitations, proving by their actions that what makes a woman great is not so much the act of carrying Life itself, but the respect she carries for Life.

Some people are just geniuses. Have a look :

So, we are back. Back at home, enjoying the familiarity of my own bed and sheets and linen. Back to enjoying Sima, our cat. Back to work. Back to friends and blogging. Back to waiting for a referral.

It was great to have a break of it all. In that perspective the holiday was really successful. When you backpack you meet new people, mostly young travellers or the odd loner who never “married and had kids” or “had a stable job”. In other words, you are far away from the nice strollers, the pregnant ladies and gosh it makes it soooo much easier to not be pushed that constant reminder in front of your eyes. So yes, I was thinking about our file and hoping for a referral on a daily basis but somehow it was just somewhere in the background of my mind, not overwhelming or obsessive. So that was the best part of the trip; It created mental space to think and give attention to other areas of my life.

For the first time, I really had a feeling of what I want to be doing with my life. I mean, besides having a family and raising 1 child (by God’s Grace), 2 or 3 children. For some time now, I feel that I want to do something professionally, that would be generating money, and also/mostly be purposeful: To give back a bit of what I have been blessed with in this life of mine. Somehow, on holiday, I got glimpses of the path to follow. It is a great feeling !

On our couple front, the holiday was a bit unusual. The initiator of this trip actually was DH who decided to meet up with 2 of his childhood friends to surf. Because I like to travel, they “accepted that I join them on their surfing trip”. Basically, it was my DH, 2 of his friends (who also somewhat became my friends over the years) and another young guy they had met in the airplane, in search of good waves. That means, DH would wake up at 5 am, go surfing, come back around 8:30 am sleep, lunch, surf again till sunset, eat and crash by 9:00 pm. Lots of adrenaline for him but not very romantic. … It took us some time to find a schedule in which, he would do his things, meet his friends, I would do my things, meet strangers and at the same time manage some hours we would spend together. We succeeded and it was very satisfactory !! Often time when we travel together, or even during weekends at home, my DH is much more in search of action while I want to do “slow things”, so it is not always easy to find ways to respect both individuals in a couple (and what when babies join the party ?!). … This worked and we will go for surfing holidays again (can see it working with a kid as well…)

Besides that, Sri Lanka is beautiful, and mostly Sri Lankans are such nice, gentle, and peaceful people. The country has been through many years of war, many parts have been “washed away” by the Tsunami of 2004, despite that, Sri Lankans radiate peace and contentment. Something in them, just make you feel like becoming a better person !!

hotelour outdoors bathrooma couplesurfers in action

FlowerPower

Worries are like birds,
let them
fly over you — but do not give
them a chance to build
a nest on your head !

– Anonymous

Have a nice weekend.