dear readers,

it has been soooo long ago since i blogged. not that i don’t want to. not that i do not have enough to blog about but time is what i am short of.

never could i have imagined that being a SAHM would be so busy, sometimes even stressful ! so here is an attempt to update you but the longer the time gap, the more difficult to re-start so let’s start with pictures which, i believe, illustrate how time has flown by this last year.

referral picture :referral picture

today’s lively toddler:

today's lively toddler

as you can see Zoé is blooming. she is doing really, really, really well. she is 18 months and is picking up a lot of new words. sometimes even making short sentences like “mama douche” or “aba est là” (daddy is here) in both english and french. she is very at ease moving and lately also wants to see the world from everywhere she can climb on. she is very sociable and expressive. she has lots of energy and determination. she is intelligent and quick to learn. she is a happy child !

she is now ready to go half days to a kindergarten but there is no place so we are on a waiting list. to compensate the lack of stimuli coming from other children, i take her to playgroups and activities every day. like steiner school’s playgroup on monday, movement/dance on wednesday and babygym on thursday. when we have nothing planned i take her to playgrounds where she meets other kids and lately, because of the bad weather, she “invites” her friends over or we are invited to go and play at her friends’ homes. so full of life and joy.

our days are all different and at the same time follow more or less the same “schedule”: waking up, change / potty or diaper free for a while, washing up night’s feeding bottles and preparing breakfast, dressing up, going out to buy groceries and stop to play on the way back while i drink a coffee and chat with the other parents who happen to be there too, back home, snack and getting ready for nap, sitting in the sling/ergocarrier and chanting lullabies while i hang laundry, napping for 1:30-2 hours while i: meditate, prepare lunch, do,do again and re-do piles of never ending paperwork, make phone calls. then lunch together, go out to play, have fun, be silly and get back home by the time it gets dark, then Zoé watches TV with DH or skypes to our family overseas while I prepare dinner, bath, food, sleep.

written like this, it all seems so perfectly organized and running smoothly but don’t be fooled. i wonder if it has to do with the way i parent but very often i feel:

– my home has turned in a sweet mess, more mess and chaos (toys all over, cellphone in the oven, shoes in the bathtub, house keys in the cat food ….

– (almost) complete loss of control over my life; not able to plan anything ahead, not a single moment to doze off or dream away a bit, no private space but little hands grabbing all my things (even putting things up does not help any longer since she climbs on chairs)

– (almost) complete loss of control over my daughter’s life; how can you keep her mouth open and shovel food inside if she does not want to eat, how can you make her sleep when she is not into it ….

– being overwhelmed by strong emotions of love, or, less nice, frustration or, even less nice, anger followed by loosing temper and shouting … (read adult version of temper tantrum 😉

I wonder if it has to do with the way i parent, but very often i feel like a bit of a failure as a parent … also i noticed that i never get feedback on my parenting or give feedback on someone elses. maybe it is just that everybody struggles and that raising a little person is just no exact science but one of trial and error, good intentions and silly “mistakes”. So, in the loneliness of doubt and in the glimpses of Zoé’s many smiles, I dare hoping that her good progress and happiness are the real measure, the only that really counts ?

we have a good life and although it is intense without breaks (not even family where i could “drop” her off for an hour to go to dentist, Dr, massage, a coffee….), i feel so complete and deeply happy with it all. a labour of love. it does make so much sense to bring up kids. it really is a blessing to have a child teach us so many life lessons. (i am sorry for my infertile friends who just had to read those last lines, as, deep down in their broken hearts, they know it all but …. so please keep struggling to finally realize your dream. it is more than worth it!!).

i hope to get to blog more in 2013, i hope to go back to ethiopia to adopt a second baby (and third i wish, but DH is not (yet?) agreeing) by 2014 and in the meantime, may we grow our dreams and children with Love and Divine Inspiration.