confession 1) Part of the reason I wanted to be pregnant, was because I was convinced that it would make me feel special.

Blush. I feel stupid.

But yes, it is true. Along my TTC journey, I wondered many times, why I want to raise kids ? I do still not have concrete words to stick on the reasons that somehow feel “obvious” to me. to my DH. to us. I hope that raising our daughter together, will give us many moments that will confirm the desire of raising kids we both share (most probably also the opposite will be true like “what have we put ourselves into”!?)

Along my “unsuccessful” TTC journey, I also wondered many times, and this was a more lonely and personal soul search, why I wanted to be pregnant ? And why did I possibly want it to such an extend, that, like many fellow IFers/woman TTCing, I endured all these awful procedures, leading me into far heavier and more medicated procedures than I ever thought I would even consider.

Granted, my motifs were many-fold. It had to do with the miracle of carrying life, which I still believe, without regret at not experiencing it, because I truly feel I experience another kind of miracle, is amazing/awesome/ …
Then, there was also something more abstract, maybe “symbolic”: what a “pregnant woman” embodied to me. I was most probably biased and blinded but, a pregnant lady always (!) walked straight with pride over her protruding belly, was always self-confident, she always enjoyed the special attention of her family and friends, was always respected for the life she was carrying, was always beautiful, …. Actually all characteristics,  I do not incarnate at all in my normal non-pregnant life, and I probably desperately sought after (and still do, like most of us … ?). So I guess, deep down, I was hoping that by being pregnant I would, once in my life, feel like that beautiful, shiny, self-confident, radiating …. woman Godess (me).

The “funny” thing is, that even if I heard from friends and family about the reality and the difficulties/discomforts/hardship of being pregnant, even if I understood it on a rational level, I just stubbornly continued to believe that all I wanted was to be “that pregnant heroin, just for 9 months”.

It is only later on my TTC journey, by processing the pain and losses on the journey, that I realised that I did not need that “pregnant state” to be the “heroine of my own life”. Actually, that I could potentially be a more mature mother by “gaining my own kudos” instead of “expecting to gain kudos”, indirectly, through carrying my child. I guess it is probably good for a child to feel “s/he is her/his “parents’ pride”, but I also understood, that we have to work on gaining our “own” pride.  So, now I came to aspire for another (unrealizable?) ideal: To give my children all their freedom to do with their life what they want, and not to project my own, unfulfilled dreams on them.
But you know what happened ?

And here you read it : confession 2) In less than 24 hours after the referral of our baby girl, I realised that I finally got a chance at entering “grant-parentship” and I also realised that if my girl ever be pregnant, I got to be close to her and experience pregnancy through her. So there went my high ideals out of the window, A-Gain !

Blush again. I feel stupid again. You-can-now-throw-rotten-tomatoes-at-me !

But yes. It is true. Truly human. And for now, in a humbly human way, I confess that my parents and friends do make me feel special by all their excitement about our baby girl and I am feeling blessed at being entrusted the miracle of her Life and I realise I am now standing in a place from where birth mum, adoptive mum, planned pregnant, unplanned pregnant, surro pregnant, pregnant after ART, … are all standing equally, with their very own strengths and limitations, proving by their actions that what makes a woman great is not so much the act of carrying Life itself, but the respect she carries for Life.

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