As I was writing this blog entry and trying to explain how I wrestle with my inner monsters, I got a phone call from our intermediary. So, it’s now up to you:
a) if you have time and want to read my ranting, read along till the end.
b) if you just want the latest update go straight to LA VIE = BELLE !

We received a second medical report and our girl is growing, at full speed,  now that she receives extra food. This is of course encouraging, reassuring and a beautiful thing to hear, especially when you are far away and you just rely on medical reports and a picture now and then. But then, and I guess that is the price every new parent has to pay, other concerns set in, like : “Nothing is mentioned about muscle tone and reflexes, I hope she is ok or, what could this mean ?” Then, the temptation to google it up. Of course this just makes it worse and concern turns into fear and before you know it you are reading about cerebral palsy and your heart is beating very fast in your throat.  

Thanks to a very nice link I received from a blogreader on my previous post, I have been trying to apply the tools recommended to cope with anxiety/trauma and one of these tools, I personally, found very powerful  : Grounding. Grounding can start with simple things like using your senses more instead of your “head” and I must say that looking at the picture of our baby, somehow just makes many fears go away. As I see her beautiful little face, I notice the smile curling my lips and the scary thoughts just vanishing and being replaced by a confident and powerful “It will all be fine, in whatever way it is meant to be“.  So, in this department, I feel some progress was made and hope I can somehow cultivate this and that in turn, my darling little girl will get back the confidence and happiness she radiated to me, when she will meet my face.

But, before you know it, fears, like escaping Pandora’s box, comes in many different shapes and sizes, colors and textures.

What I also noticed, and I believe this is a result of my journey with many difficulties to start a family, is that I lost a certain kind of “freedom”. Freedom in the sense “happiness is for free”. Freedom as in “happy go lucky”. Now, it seems like every happy occasion is something that has to be “labored” for, it is not something that just “came” to me. Something in “hurted me” tells “happy me” :” What do you think ? happiness does not just grow on my back !”. Actually, “hurted me” even takes it a bit further like :”Now that something very happy happened, something bad has to happen !“. And I find “hurted me walking in a mine-field, making “hunted me” very small, trying to escape the thunder of an “angry God”. I never wanted to be like that and still do not want to. So I guess, now is the time to look ahead instead of brood over the past. To aspire towards healing, change and growth.
Maybe a possible way to de-mine my mental landscape and modify it into a sunny field of love, is to remember that Some things are meant to be and Others not and that God can be a Friend that will be there no matter what. All the endured ART treatments, failures and RPL might not be seen as a “punishment” but maybe just the result of “stubbornness”, due to a lack of different perspectives, maybe they can be seen as a “a life tool” that had to be learnt in order to be better at what lays ahead. It just depends on perspective, looking at things from different angles but also, putting things in the bigger schemes of things. Maybe thinking big means “giving oneself space to change” ?

Our intermediary just called to inform us that the final Court date appointment is set on 15 December 2011 !!! Which means that we have to be in Addis Ababa on the morning of 14 December the latest ! She also said that lately the Administration has been changing dates a lot, but for now, it is just perfect !! We can start pre-booking our planes and finish the professional work in progress towards “adoption leave” !! YAAAAY