When you adopt, you are put on a waiting list.

When you conceive, you are expecting.

More or less the same terms. Maybe “expecting” carries a bit more certainty in it. … Let’s say, one could be “waiting in vain” but the expression “expecting in vain” does just not really work.

Well, on my journey to motherhood so far, I felt quite the opposite.
Yesterday, I went to see a person who has been helping me a lot on my journey to create a family and so we were discussing the current stage I am in our “adoption-waiting process”. I noticed, how much more positive and happy I am than when I was “pregnant-expecting”.

Being pregnant became such a stressful and morbid experience that I did not enjoy it anymore. I do not regret all the short-term pregnancies I got to experience but they just became so traumatizing. Every single time, the initial positive feeling of a positive pregnancy test, the magic of these heartbeats, the reassurance of following a perfect growth curve … would eventually turn into a nightmare: carrying life, eventually turned into “carrying death”.
I did enjoy some parts of the pregnancy but the constant anxiety would follow me like a ghost. It was even so stressful that for the two last pregnancies, I am ashamed to admit, when the FS saw the heartbeats would have stopped, it was a relief. A sad and desperate one, but a relief nonetheless.

Waiting for a referral is different. Granted, I wish it would happen faster. I wish I could know “for sure” things will work out, that our baby will be healthy, that there will be no issues about attachment and grief, that I could have prevented our baby from “being abandoned or orphaned”, that I could be with our baby the moment we get a referral. But most of the time, I am happy and confident and positive about our adoption. I hope that these feelings are good signs that I am indeed on thàt one single path that is finally leading me to “what is meant to be” on my journey. It just feels right.

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