Have not felt so well lately, got lots of dizzy spells (problem in my inner ear) which gets worse when I read/draw/write and move. On top of it, I have lots of work to finish before our so-much-looking-forward-to-holidays, so my blogging has suffered a bit.

Other than that, well it is one of these typical “waits” with not much happening.

After the excitement of our meeting with our adoption intermediary, things have settled, and …. fears and doubt have crept in again. Will it ever happen to me ? Will I ever be holding my LO in my arms ?
On the other hand, I have not resisted buying some baby stuff in the Summer Sales (with all the over-enthusiasm accumulated during these last 14 years when I was buying stuff for friends’ and families’ babies, hoping it would once be my turn). It is quite funny actually because as soon as I enter in a shop and the sales person asks me :”What age are you looking for?” “Boy or girl?” I smile :”Well, I don’t know in fact….” and I start explaining my situation. I am quite surprised at the enthusiasm people show. One even got so excited and generous that she gave an extra present for my (future) baby and all insist that I can change the goodies, should I have bought the wrong thing and/or the wrong size.
I also start collecting baby clothes from friends (who now in their 40ies, do not want to have more babies) so that I can donate them to the Orphanage in Ethiopia.
Then I see all this concrete stuff taking shape and I start panicking and the vicious thoughts creep in again “Will it ever happen to me?” “What if it never happens, and I collected all these goodies?”

Oscillating between hope and fears, trying to keep my balance. So on that front also, the much-looking-forward-to-holidays will air my thoughts a bit !!

Other than that, I can tell my man is getting quite excited about the whole thing too, even proudly sharing about our adoption to new friends he recently met … . It makes me smile and it makes my heart sing. Well, because in our couple, we were not 2 to tango, but I always was the  ONE-and only-carrying the Infertility diagnosis, then I was the ONE-and only- who could not carry to term, I guess deep down, there was always a very heavy load  a tiny bit of guilt that lingered around. Not that my loving man ever made me feel like that, and it has always been quite clear that we wanted to do the “parenting thing” together but not feeling like a complete failure after years of failing at something is a real Art that does not come with an instruction manual!

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