I noticed that when I speak about adoption with people, sooner or later in the discussion conversation, there is a comment or insinuation about the difference : own <-> adopted.

I can of course not compare because I do not have kids yet and also because I will probably never have kids genetically related to me that I would have carried in my own womb and delivered in this world. But I can compare the “me at the beginning of my journey to create a family” with the “actual me” and it turns out that I would initially also have made this difference : own <-> adopted while now I do not see it that way any longer and: adopted by me =  my own.

So what has happened along the way ?

  • the journey: mostly the failures of my body to carry to term, made me realise, time after time and increasingly so, that adoption is the best way for me to have kids.
  • the heartache: God knows I have cried and ached. In this sense I could say my heart contracted and dilated in order to welcome my adopted child into it.
  • the procedure: with all its administrative, physical, psychological, social, etc. screening ? the judges’ judgement that will eventually be pronounced ?
  • biology/genetics: is there such a big difference between the randomness of an egg waiting for years in an ovary to be released during ovulation meeting and be fertilized by 1 in a million sperm (sometimes selected in a lab), and, between the randomness of finally getting a child referral when you have reached the top of a waiting list. Granted my adopted child could have been adopted by a couple in the USA or vice-versa. But then again, after so many healthy beginning pregnancies that ended abruptly without a reason, a specific child comes to me from another country, race and culture. random ?
  • examples and inspiration of people who adopted and who share their stories as truthful and honestly as possible.
  • examples of people who grow their genetically related kids and who share their stories as truthful and honestly as possible.
  • having friends who went through / are pregnant.
  • having adopted friends and knowing their stories.

I am not so much interested in how and why and when things changed for me. What I am interested in is: that I am sure of my choice and my feelings and that I will transmit these to my child, hoping it will contribute to healthy bonding and secure attachment.

So,  I want to prepare myself with practical replies to people who will comment on our multi-racial family and the way my family came to be:

Please lend yourself to role-playing and imagine :

Brown Baby: sitting in a stroller
Stranger: How cute/tall/skinny/dark/fine/light/ is your LO.
Me: thanks.
Stranger: Did you adopt ?
Me: yes. XX/XY was born in Ethiopia.
Stranger: Was it difficult/easy/long/expensive to adopt?
Me: it is a long procedure but soo worth it. We did not pay anything for our child, just for administrative services that were provided to us during the adoption procedure.
Stranger: Could you not have your own kids ?
Me: XX/XY is very much my own. ….. I could not imagine another child being more or less my own ….

If you have any ideas of how to complete this dialogue, please fill in ….. ? Comments view, suggestions, …. this is your space to be creative !