Thank you all for your comments on my last entry, ” I have a nightmare”. Thank you for being honest, encouraging, sharing your own (in)securities, your own Truth about Life and Faith !

Although I do not want to whine or ramble _ I would in fact much prefer to write a blog entry titled: “got the call” or share a cute little picture of a brown baby _ one of the reasons to have started this blog, is to be genuine towards myself, towards Life, towards the transition phase I find myself in at the moment of my journey to parenthood. Your replies made me feel like writing some more about navigating through the trouble waters of IF (Infertility), surviving the storms of RPL (repeated pregnancy loss) and by now scouting for a safe harbour, in which to find some peace and purpose.

Just writing the acronyms IF and RPL so close to each other in 1 single sentence, could have been resumed to 1 word: UNFAIR. Well, believe it or not, but I did actually push away that feeling until my second m/c (miscarriage). Until I read the book “When bad things happen to good people” by Rabbi Harold Kushner, I thought that giving in to that feeling of unfairness meant I’d be stuck on my journey, feeling sorry for myself, while I thought that I just had to keep going, resourcing, gathering info on new treatments in ART (assisted reproductives techniques), more genetic testing and move on.

In fact, the opposite happened. Once I let myself feeling that: “yes indeed, IF and RPL are just unfair and they make no sense at all“, it was actually rather easy to see the unfairness in so many places, in so many people’s lives and situations. I remember feeling at that moment, that it did not matter so much whether God wanted it that way, could have prevented RPL, etc …. all those whys and “who’s Gods” became irrelevant. What suddenly appeared much more essential is that I could take the feeling that I had been treated with an unfair hand and do something with it !! Empathise with those around feeling the same unfairness and try in my own way to nurture a bit of fairness.

It became clear to me that while I was crying in desperation to have a family of my own, wondering why some get to have families rather easily but me, kids where sitting somewhere wondering similar thoughts about why no parents had chosen them. Questioning, why other kids always meet their forever parents in the orphanage, while they sit there month after month, not having a mum or dad to call “their own” ! Is it not unfair to be born out of rape, out of child marriage out of whatever sexual intercourse, not have anything to say but inherit aids or hepatitis, and be left alone to take care of the consequences, while being only a couple of days or a few years old …
Is it not inhumanly unfair to be a teenager with raging hormones, having intercourse, falling pregnant while everybody else your age with the same raging hormones, is having intercourse and somehow just always got discharged from the overwhelming responsiblity of carrying life with that significant-period-that-eventually-came-a-few-days-late, or manages to take the morning after pill just in time , ….  

So, even though I am not adopting a child out of purely benevolent motivation, but mostly from a deep desire to parent a child with my husband, I did somehow feel the Universe made me aware of something, and showed me there may be a way there for me. Since then, pieces did seem to come together, things suddenly seemed to make more sense again, making me believe and trust that a day will come, I could hold my baby, both of us starting to fill the holes left by many losses and failures, and feel whole again…..  Until our cancelled adoption. Then again, insecurity started to kick in. Although I know that I am somehow on the path that is right for me, traumas of the past sometimes come up again, like nightmares. Actually, when I remember the past, I am scarred. When I look at the future, I am hopeful. When I live in the now, …. I “need” to write a blog to share with you a desire so overwhelmingly strong to bear alone: The desire to be a mother.