Today, my first tought when I woke up, was: ” it is the birthday of my Godson, Damien.

Today, my first question when I woke up, was : ” maybe God does not even want me to be a mum? maybe the Universe does not have this plan for me ? “Pretty heavy day ahead if you ask me, to mediate 2 big insecurities contained in this anxiety inducing question.

The thing is : I do not like it. It makes me feel insecure. I feel anxiety because I want to be a mum. I want to be sure I will ever be a mum. I feel threatened that my desire, my dream will just remain unanswered, like many times before. That I will again have to consider and reconsider and make a different plan and follow yet another path. But then I realise that even though I have shaped my desire to be a mum, and changed my plan, as many times as hope was dashed by a failed cycle or miscarriage or cancelled adoption, it remains my desire, my  plan. (ok, also my husband’s)

How many times, have I really asked myself :” what would God actually want me to do, what is the Universe’s plan for me ” and try to realise that Desire, that Plan, that Dream. But who is God then, again ? If you have a crystal ball, let me know …

Today by 11:30 am the Universe has not revealed a plan for me (yet) re. possible motherhood …. But right now, I am a Godmum and I better hurry up and call Damien to wish him a happy birthday, may he grow wise and know what path to follow towards his Dream.